Letter to my dear JC

Dear JC,
Its almost Christmas time. Almost your birthday. Thank You being in my life all this time. I have known you since as long as I can remember. Its a long while now. JC, as you know our relationship has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes its like the hilly lands and sometimes green like the plains. Sometimes when the ride is rough, I get angry; I get frustrated. But if you notice JC, I always come back. Because, I have realized that without you and my faith, I am nothing.
My faith in catholism give me a rope to hold on during the times of trouble eventhough I feel like I am almost drowning. I think JC, You know that this year has been tremendously tough on me. Its still continuing.
JC, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to endure all the pain like how you have endured and paid to give us salvation. JC, sometimes I dream about the life of utopia... doing something I love. Waking up each day and bursting with joy but on the other hand, I am living a totally opposite life. But in reality, can utopia exist in this earthly world, or utopia can only exist in heaven! Probably so.
JC, soemtimes I think about it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. In comparison to alot of people I am a good person. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I do more for the society, for the people... Why do I feel so unsatistified with myself. That's a sin in it all , isn't it. As Your Father made me in His image. And with all the imperfections that I have, I have read so many times that I am given gifts. I have said this many times that I am nothing , I have no talents, I have no gifts. That probably had hurt you and our mighty Father.
That is why in this sense I feel I am not a good person. But thats what being a christian is about rite, JC? Making mistakes, learning from it, and evaluating and then make the change for the better?
JC, thank You for being there during my trouble, during the times when I had hard time coping. Thank You for giving the visions that I have all this year. Thank YOu for all the things you have given me. No amount of thank you can describe how indepted I am to you. THank You for ending the sufferrings of Sarah. Thank You bringing her to be with you and by your side. THank You for giving me the vision of seeing her with you during her funeral day. Thank You for helping me withstand all the discriminations and alientions that I have gone thru all my life.
I want to hear you speak to me more JC. Sometimes in the stillness of the nites, I long to hear your message for me. I don't want to lose you in my life. I strive everyday to speak to you. Help me hear you JC. Help me hear what you have to say to me. Please be my mentor in this earthly life of mine.

Your loving follower,
M_G